By Pier Marco Trulli

Fathers are not born, they are made, and they are not made just because a child is brought into the world, but because one responsibly cares for them. (Patris Corde).

This quote by Pope Francis introduces us to the complexity and importance of the journey that each man is called to undertake when facing the new situation of fatherhood.

The choice to have children is already, in a sense, a mystery: what drives us to want a child? What leads us to open ourselves to life? We don’t always know how to answer these questions, but despite alarming data on low birth rates, the desire to have a child is still strong today. Various studies on youth realities still find high percentages of boys and girls whose thoughts and plans include having children, often more than one and not infrequently more than two.

Behind these statements of intent, many motivations lead to desiring a child, and they are also related to personal experiences and the context of reference. There is often a need to give fullness to a significant relationship, materializing the love of a couple, or the desire to leave a mark of oneself in the world with a child, feeling immortal; one wishes to give life to a new person, in a dimension of gift, or again, one thinks of expressing one’s masculinity by demonstrating the ability to conceive a child.

Whatever the motivations that have led to desiring fatherhood, even the most basic and selfish ones, one becomes a father only if one is able to live a path of progressive awareness, which prioritizes, in behaviors and choices, aspects of giving and caring.

In short, it is about making a choice and getting involved, about welcoming the child who is coming and accepting their “intrusion” into personal and couple life.

Accepting the child translates, in practice, into “making space” for the new life that is coming – a psychological and mental space, even before a physical one.

WHY IT’S DIFFICULT TO FEEL LIKE FATHERS

And this is one of the major hurdles, especially for men, for several reasons.

Firstly, there is a different and slower maturation in the awareness of becoming a father, which conditions a natural choice before the physical arrival of the child. While a woman experiences a physical change in becoming a mother, there is no similar transformation for the man, making it difficult to recognize the importance of the moment and one’s role as a future father.

Furthermore, the narcissism typical of our era – often a sign of insecurity – seems to affect the male gender with greater emphasis, as men struggle to deem non- essential the activities that fill their days. Enjoying leisure time – from playing sports to gaming to physical activities – is often seen by men as a basic need, and the camaraderie and “group” dynamics make it less straightforward to give up, frequently accompanied by feelings of guilt and inadequacy towards others.

Difficulties in the relationship with the partner can also contribute to delaying or blocking this process of maturation, risking even the explosion of the relationship. Fatherhood, therefore, struggles to be internalized and thus to be acted upon.

In the majority of cases, however, even if with delay compared to the mother and sometimes with prolonged difficulties, awareness of the new situation is reached, and a process of assuming responsibility begins, which, although emotionally challenging at times, can be very intense and rewarding.

The physical presence of the child, both in the mother’s womb and then in the father’s arms, triggers a relationship that grows over time and with the progressive interaction that develops.

The journey is often not without setbacks and absences. Still, it must also be said that today, many fathers have positively experienced the dimension of fatherhood and live it with commitment and satisfaction.

A new generation of fathers that gives hope… Wishing everyone a good journey of growth!

From UNION, N. 3-4, March-April 2024 World Confederation Mornese Past Pupils of the FMA